Helping me help you

Like most bloggers, when I’m feeling particularly hard up for content, I wander over to my stats page and examine the list of search terms that have brought people here.

And then I feel a surge of pity for those who, having trusted Google to lead them in their quest to answer their (often weird and obtuse but probably somehow important in a way I cannot fathom) questions, ended up on this site.

And THEN, I start to ponder these people, and the situations they’ve gotten themselves in to. I create little drama-filled backstories for them. I wonder if they ever figured things out. (Yes, I have too much time on my hands)

So, if any of you random Googlers are still hanging around here, give me another shot. Maybe I can help.

1) The feline and the specter

It sounds like this person believes his bedroom is haunted, which is causing his cat to stay away from the room.

Guy, you are in luck. I have an easy solution: SEND ME YOUR GHOST.

Because I have the opposite problem. My bedroom attracts my cat like a magnet, especially when the door is closed. Bonus points if your supernatural being is most active between the hours of 3 AM and 5 AM, because this is when my cat is least likely to avoid my bedroom.

Problem solved.

2) The ass chafers

I think the real question here is: what CAN’T you put in your butt crack during a long run? The world is your oyster!

(Oyster! There’s one answer for ya!)

Okay, but seriously: I get lots of search hits about running and butt chafing (and also, of course, chaffing). Is this because people are too embarrassed to ask their running buddies for advice about that searing strip of raw skin down in the crack, so they turn to Dr. Google?

Butt chafing happens, y’all. To lots of runners, including me. Do not be ashamed. You can put Body Glide down there just as you’d put it on any other part of your body. Or, there are specific products made just for ye olde arse. Hell, you can even use regular old vaseline.

Here’s a related question that I see sometimes:

Honestly? While exercising? Probably none.

There is no evidence that this person is asking about running-specific underwear applications, though. I will say for everyday use, I think Hanky Pankys are pretty damn great. And I actually do wear them running sometimes, especially with thinner tights/capris/booty shorts. I don’t even notice that I’m wearing them, and they’ve never caused a chafing issue.

And I can’t believe I just blogged about that.

Moving on…

3) Le supermarché français

Just like it sounds, yo. PUB-licks.

At first I thought this was a really stupid question, but then I thought that maybe this person thought it was, like, French or something with a silent -x?


Yeah, no.

And for what it’s worth, I still don’t think it’s such an amazing store, although the rotisserie chicken has grown on me.

4) The person who doesn’t want to invest in a sixpack and be inevitably disappointed

That is easy. THIS ONE.

5) The hapless motorist

Here ya go:


(No, but really…what does it look like when a tire needs air? It looks flatter than normal. And if you’re not sure, take two quarters to your nearest gas station, check the pressure, and top off if necessary. Filed under: Things I’m Glad My Dad Taught Me When I Was 16.)

6) The redneck pervert

It’s a good bet that this is happening, somewhere, right here in the state of Georgia right now! If not, almost certainly in neighboring Alabama, South Carolina, Tennessee, or Florida.

Or is it, like: to where do they drive? To Wal-Mart? To the local landfill with a bed full of trash? To the police station because they’ve just been robbed of their clothing? To your house to appease your girl-on-F150 fantasy, Mr. Googler? So many possibilities.

If this is too complicated for you, I’d suggest checking out your local adult video store. There’s a niche for everything, right?

7) The baker with jaws of steel

Good lord, are you trying to be the least popular parent at the bake sale?

Here’s my tip: stop by your local poob-LEE and pick up some macarons instead.

8) The organized entertainer

YES. I must admit that I feel validated every time someone lands on my blog after searching for this because I’m pretty sure you all thought I was crazy after that post.

This is probably the only arena in which I will ever exhibit that level of planning and organization. And I do it, like, twice a year.

Bring on Thanksgiving…this year is going to be even more complicated since I’m running a half marathon in the morning. Post-race shower beer will definitely be a milestone on that critical path.

9) The person who thinks the Google box is her sassy pants, straight-talkin’ BFF


10) The person who actually might have found what they were looking for

I gotcha covered.

(No makeup. SO BRAVE!)

And with that, I’m back to…whatever it was I was doing before I went down the search-term rabbit hole. I can’t even remember.

Maybe Google can help.

18 responses to “Helping me help you

  1. I love that we both blogged on the same theme today.

    And thank you, THANK YOU, for helping spread the word about chafing/chaffing. I won’t be surprised when some smart ass points out that chaffing is technically correct, but until then, it really annoys me for some reason. (By smart ass, of course, I mean smart person proving me wrong, which makes them a smart ass.)

  2. 1) Three cheers for Hanky Panky. The obscene cost of a pair is slightly offset by just how long they last (long enough to not admit to online).

    2) I work in consulting in India. I blog about my experiences and weird stuff that goes down in my little corner of Mumbai. But I’m from New England: thus in India I sweat a LOT. I consider this an unfortunate fact that my blog readers must deal with. However, upon the occasional perusal of my search terms (I cant do it too often, the results are too weird) …i invariably find that the #1 way to find my blog is “Sweaty Indian Aunty in Sari” or “Foreigners sweaty sarees India wedding.”

  3. Yuck, I hate fruity beers.

    My cat Maya can see ghosts. There was a spot in the corner of the ceiling in my last apartment where she’d sit and stare at for hours, yowling. I swear there was a ghost there. Thankfully the ghost didn’t move with us! It was so creepy.

    • My cat does stuff like that sometimes, but I’ve always just attributed it to her being not so bright. :)

      Although I am convinced that there are dead bodies buried in my backyard…but that’s a story for another day.

  4. Bah ha ha thank you for this. I needed something to break up my rather mundane work day. Also, people think that Publix is like the second comming of Jesus which I don’t get. However, I did get overly excited when they announced Denver would be getting a Trader Joe’s so I guess I am just as bad.

  5. The worst fruity (I guess lemon counts as fruity) beer EVER is Summer Shandy. It tastes like someone bottled equal parts light beer and lemon dish soap. Nasty.

  6. I have also gotten some pretty obscure search traffic… some dirty, haha.

  7. Ha, I read this post expecting to be called out. I totally google “fire noodles” to go to your Asian noodle recipe (which I’ve made several times, even for a dinner party, and is excellent BTW). But I can’t say I’m interested in naked chicks driving trucks or remedies for my ass. :)

  8. This is hilarious, and I have seriously questioned the intentions of some people who have landed on my sight through a search engine. There are some crazies out there. And somehow they end up on my blog.

  9. Plaster macarons! omg. I might be dead…

    I seriously try to picture the people typing these things into google: who are they? Where are they? What has happened in their lives that has brought them to this point?

    btw, you call that bulbous? Bahaha. Amateur. Next time send that person over to my blog, pretty sure I’ve got what they’re looking for!

  10. totes brave. 😀

  11. i just wanted to reach out and tell you how much i love your blog! i saw that it was powered by wordpress but for some reason i can’t add you to my blogroll? anyway, the cartoons really do it for me, so much that i featured them on a post i did today on runner’s etiquette!

    thanks and i can’t wait to see what you write about next,

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