Like most bloggers, when I’m feeling particularly hard up for content, I wander over to my stats page and examine the list of search terms that have brought people here.
And then I feel a surge of pity for those who, having trusted Google to lead them in their quest to answer their (often weird and obtuse but probably somehow important in a way I cannot fathom) questions, ended up on this site.
And THEN, I start to ponder these people, and the situations they’ve gotten themselves in to. I create little drama-filled backstories for them. I wonder if they ever figured things out. (Yes, I have too much time on my hands)
So, if any of you random Googlers are still hanging around here, give me another shot. Maybe I can help.
1) The feline and the specter
It sounds like this person believes his bedroom is haunted, which is causing his cat to stay away from the room.
Guy, you are in luck. I have an easy solution: SEND ME YOUR GHOST.
Because I have the opposite problem. My bedroom attracts my cat like a magnet, especially when the door is closed. Bonus points if your supernatural being is most active between the hours of 3 AM and 5 AM, because this is when my cat is least likely to avoid my bedroom.
2) The ass chafers
I think the real question here is: what CAN’T you put in your butt crack during a long run? The world is your oyster!
(Oyster! There’s one answer for ya!)
Okay, but seriously: I get lots of search hits about running and butt chafing (and also, of course, chaffing). Is this because people are too embarrassed to ask their running buddies for advice about that searing strip of raw skin down in the crack, so they turn to Dr. Google?
Butt chafing happens, y’all. To lots of runners, including me. Do not be ashamed. You can put Body Glide down there just as you’d put it on any other part of your body. Or, there are specific products made just for ye olde arse. Hell, you can even use regular old vaseline.
Here’s a related question that I see sometimes:
Honestly? While exercising? Probably none.
There is no evidence that this person is asking about running-specific underwear applications, though. I will say for everyday use, I think Hanky Pankys are pretty damn great. And I actually do wear them running sometimes, especially with thinner tights/capris/booty shorts. I don’t even notice that I’m wearing them, and they’ve never caused a chafing issue.
And I can’t believe I just blogged about that.
3) Le supermarché français
Just like it sounds, yo. PUB-licks.
At first I thought this was a really stupid question, but then I thought that maybe this person thought it was, like, French or something with a silent -x?
And for what it’s worth, I still don’t think it’s such an amazing store, although the rotisserie chicken has grown on me.
4) The person who doesn’t want to invest in a sixpack and be inevitably disappointed
That is easy. THIS ONE.
5) The hapless motorist
Here ya go:
(No, but really…what does it look like when a tire needs air? It looks flatter than normal. And if you’re not sure, take two quarters to your nearest gas station, check the pressure, and top off if necessary. Filed under: Things I’m Glad My Dad Taught Me When I Was 16.)
6) The redneck pervert
It’s a good bet that this is happening, somewhere, right here in the state of Georgia right now! If not, almost certainly in neighboring Alabama, South Carolina, Tennessee, or Florida.
Or is it, like: to where do they drive? To Wal-Mart? To the local landfill with a bed full of trash? To the police station because they’ve just been robbed of their clothing? To your house to appease your girl-on-F150 fantasy, Mr. Googler? So many possibilities.
If this is too complicated for you, I’d suggest checking out your local adult video store. There’s a niche for everything, right?
7) The baker with jaws of steel
Good lord, are you trying to be the least popular parent at the bake sale?
Here’s my tip: stop by your local poob-LEE and pick up some macarons instead.
8) The organized entertainer
YES. I must admit that I feel validated every time someone lands on my blog after searching for this because I’m pretty sure you all thought I was crazy after that post.
This is probably the only arena in which I will ever exhibit that level of planning and organization. And I do it, like, twice a year.
Bring on Thanksgiving…this year is going to be even more complicated since I’m running a half marathon in the morning. Post-race shower beer will definitely be a milestone on that critical path.
9) The person who thinks the Google box is her sassy pants, straight-talkin’ BFF
10) The person who actually might have found what they were looking for
I gotcha covered.
(No makeup. SO BRAVE!)
And with that, I’m back to…whatever it was I was doing before I went down the search-term rabbit hole. I can’t even remember.
Maybe Google can help.